Blood Relatives
I haven't met most of them. Poland. Place I've only been to once and a sense of rupture within me comes to mind when mentioning. I'm happy with my life here, but curious about what life would have looked like. Curious about the choices that were made there, within the family, before leaving. Makes me think about the war in Ukraine. I'm so sad when thinking about the babies.
Vivid dreams for awhile now, or maybe I've always had them?
Dream 1
I am scaling a wall, in competition with many others, and near the middle it's between me and just one individual, an older man. It is very difficult and dangerous to climb. Pieces of rock are falling off the wall as I try to grip onto them. Keep almost falling. We both reach the top and hurl ourselves over the edge at the same time and collapse next to one another, then begin kissing.
Dream 2
Not good. Don't want to talk about it.
Dream 3
I'm getting into some kind of trouble, like: up to no good trouble. It's my own doing and no one can stop me, but I think it's for some larger purpose. It looks like I'm up to no good, but there's some end goal in mind, I think for common good. Anyway, I'm at the end of the woods and run out onto a large dirt path. I'm talking more like a stadium-length path, where there are cars and trucks and something far off in the distance that I must reach. Police start chasing me. I'm running I'm running so fast and there is a truck I'm gaining on and I make a split decision to jump onto it. I climb through the passenger window. Kendall Roy is driving. He's mad at me for getting in his car but I tell him I had to—it was a last resort. The dream ends there.
Health & Food
Eating good, lately. Healthier than usual. Salads. I put dried cranberries in them which tastes very good. Nice chewy texture to mix with the other stuff. It's all about the cranberries though.
Recently I learned about toasting nuts. How it impacts a dish. How toasting a nut brings on the aroma of the nut you wouldn't have been aware of otherwise. First it was pistachios. Exquisite in a carrot and fennel salad. Now, hazelnuts. Toasting nuts makes me feel rich.
I went to a potluck and it was funny, I had to confront my aspect of control before I even got there. It's like: I wasn't even in charge of this party but at one point felt like I had to take care of everyone. What's up with that? My boyfriend told me I should let it go, so I did, then had an amazing night. Trying to do that more.
There are social gatherings where I am the life of the party. Then there are social gatherings where I'd rather be dead than get looked at. I like my attitude. I'm almost ready to come out of hiding.
